**Masking and ADHD: The Cost of Trying to Feel “Normal”***(London & Online Therapy)*

There is a kind of effort that is not always visible.

It is not the effort of completing a task or meeting a deadline.

It is the effort of adjusting yourself, moment by moment, so that you appear “fine”.

In my work as a therapist in London and through online therapy, I often hear people describe a quiet exhaustion they cannot fully explain.

When we begin to explore it, masking is often at the centre.

What is masking?

Masking is the process of adapting your behaviour, responses, or personality in order to fit into what is expected.

It can be conscious, but often it becomes automatic over time.

It might look like:

• forcing yourself to maintain focus even when your mind is elsewhere

• rehearsing what to say before speaking

• hiding overwhelm in busy or stimulating environments

• copying how others behave in social situations

• suppressing impulses, movement, or emotional responses

On the outside, it can appear as coping well.

On the inside, it can feel like constant effort.

Why masking develops

Masking is not a flaw.

It usually develops as a response to experience.

Many people with ADHD grow up receiving messages such as:

• “you need to try harder”

• “why can’t you just focus?”

• “stop being so distracted”

• “you’re too much”

Over time, these messages can lead to adaptation.

Not because someone wants to hide who they are,

but because it feels necessary in order to be accepted or understood.

ADHD and the pressure to appear “normal”

Environments often expect:

• sustained attention

• stillness

• consistency

• quick responses

These expectations do not always align with how ADHD works.

Instead of the environment adapting, the pressure often falls on the individual.

This is where masking becomes a way of coping.

A way of reducing friction.

A way of staying included.

The hidden cost

Masking can be effective in the short term.

It can help you navigate work, relationships, and social spaces.

But over time, it can come with a cost.

Many people begin to notice:

• deep mental and physical exhaustion

• anxiety, especially in social situations

• a sense of disconnection from themselves

• difficulty relaxing, even when alone

• uncertainty about what is natural versus what is adapted

It can feel like you are always “on”.

When you lose sight of yourself

One of the more subtle impacts of masking is that it can blur your sense of identity.

If you are constantly adjusting, it becomes harder to know:

• what feels natural to you

• what you genuinely prefer or need

• where your limits actually are

This can create a quiet confusion.

Not dramatic, but persistent.

A different way of understanding this

Masking is often spoken about as something to stop.

But it is more complex than that.

It has likely helped you in many ways.

The shift is not about removing it completely,

but about becoming aware of it.

And gradually asking:

• Where am I masking, and why?

• Is this helping me, or costing me?

• What would it feel like to reduce the effort, even slightly?

Therapy for ADHD and masking

Therapy can offer a space where masking is not required in the same way.

Working with a therapist in London or through online therapy can support you to:

• recognise patterns of masking

• understand where they come from

• explore what feels authentic to you

• build tolerance for being seen more as you are

• reduce the constant pressure to perform

This is often a gradual process.

Not about suddenly “being yourself”,

but about creating more space for yourself to exist without effort.

Closing reflection

Masking is not a failure.

It is something that developed for a reason.

But if it has become exhausting, that matters.

You do not need to hold yourself together quite so tightly all the time.

Sometimes, the work is not about trying harder

but about allowing a little less effort

and noticing what begins to return.